As soon as I hit the steps at the Transition Home I began to loose it. The tears began to flow. I can't believe that I have to leave 2 of my kids so far away. I am going to miss them so much.
Today is G's Birthday...today is the day we go home :(. We have gifts for our sweet boy but, I have decided to just give him the gifts and not talk about his birthday (he doesn't know when it is... his birth mother didn't even know...we only know by birth certificate). I don't think us leaving on his birthday would be much of a present if we told him :( So, we will just celebrate late when we're all together. Happy Birthday sweet boy who so desperately wants what we take for granted...a family to call his.
To think all of us know and expect to be celebrated on our DAY...for 9 years...this boy has not even known the day nor has his family...and they have not had any means to celebrate...they've just focused on staying alive...it's all gonna' change...every child deserves a family and a celebration of their life.
I pray that many more would take a step towards rescuing the orphan...it's not easy...at some time you might feel so overwhelmed that you want to back out...it might feel akward and so unnatuaral...it might be hard to believe that God has called you to change your whole family for the sake of 1 or 2 children that were not from your womb...but, he has placed in your heart...and you love them like your own already.
The moment when you sat at a table with their birth mother...you looked in her eyes and saw no hope for their future in this present state...you heard her say that she didn't even know her own birthdate...you saw and knew not so good things of their past and of her past and thought...how can I? Why me? Can I make it better...do I have it in me...will smiling and hugging her give her any reassurance...this breaks me so much and overwhelmes me.
I know it seems like rambling...but, it's so hard to put all of my thoughts together today...As you stand in a crowded, smelly court room and see your and all of your friends kids relatives walk through a door to say, "Yes, I am giving them up"...then they walk out and look across the crowded room scanning and trying to figure out if you are the one who will take their child...and you've seen a video of her, you already know who she is...you think...why her? Why are we the blessed ones who are receiving these special gifts? Why is she loosing them?
When you scanned the room 1st thing and realized she was not there and panicked that she was not showing...then she was ushered in the room and your breath was completely taken away...you watched her every move and studied her and saw things in your soon to be son that she was doing...you stood within inches of her without her knowing it was you...your breath is taken away by sitting across from her for hours knowing who she is...you think...is this how it was EVER suppose to be...children in such desperate situations...family members signing them over in front of you in this little room...why? Why is it this way? Why me? Why them? Why her? It's just not right.
Then when you watch her go into the judge's chamber and you know "this is it"...she is giving up her most prized possessions...then you go in after her and you see her case worker lean and whisper to her and she looks at you and knows...she knows you are the one...you quickly look away then look and slightly smile then touch your daughters hair and give her a kiss hoping that she can see that you are loving and love children...you sit across from her with no one allowed to leave the room and you glance back and forth with what seems forever.
Then when you arrive back at the guest house and she is there sitting on the couch and you have your time with her...you hand her a photo book...she's never had photos of her children. You watch her smile at her boys/your boys. You have included photos of their new home, their bedrooms and she seems pleased with what they will have. Then you reach for her hand and ask some questions. After that you take a photo and smile with her... and you think why does she have to go through this? It makes you think of your own birth mom and the day she had to give you up...what was she feeling?
Then you head to see your boys and when she's not suppose to be there she's standing on the porch with your babies shoes in her hand. My baby/her baby...so strange, not a clue what to do...can I do this...should I just go home? But, you move forward. You go in and your baby smiles at you and is so excited to have you get him...your other child is off playing with his new brothers and sisters...and you walk out carrying your baby/ her baby and you want to do what's right...your heart feels for her (I've been adopted too you know...it's feelings from both sides)...and you hand your baby to his birth mother and he pushes her away...you work hard at him being happy with her for their last goodbyes...that was not to happen with me there...but, yet I'm it...no one else there to do a thing...I have to make this good for her...it's so in me for her to have good last memories. His uncle a handsome 20 some year old stands and gives kisses and hugs and you see his sadness...you say, "Kisses for mommy" and he doesn't want too and turns from her and again pushes her away. You know that he has already made the transition...but, you see in her that she has not...how can this be...how do you make it okay for her last time seeing her kids.
You walk down the stairs with your baby to your other son and you glance up and see her looking at us together...shouldn't they just be together having a birthday party together as a family...isn't that the norm for families...in a nice Chuck E Cheese...with tons of gifts...isn't that what we all take for granted, isn't it the norm...NO THIS IS THE NORM...this is how most of the world is...not what we do or see daily in our selfish pampered lives.
But, if it's God's plan for my life, for your life...it is SO WORTH IT....hard, easy, sweet, not so sweet...whatever...if God's in it then it's right! And you will be broken and forever changed.
Happy Birthday G...you deserve the best...and I know what you've had in the past is so far from that...but, we will not dwell on the past and I promise to give you a promising future. I will protect you, love you unconditionally, I will do my best to be the mom you need. As you stroked my arm the other day and touched my freckles and studied them...I felt what you needed, what you wanted...I felt it in your small fingers...then you looked up at me and I saw in your eyes that you just want love...love that in this selfish person does not always come natural...but, with God...I can do it...and so can others if we just let down the selfish walls and look how God adopted us and gave freely. Life is to short to let these little ones suffer.
Happy Birthday G! Next time back...I will not leave without you...sorry I'm leaving you on your Birthday.
Today is G's Birthday...today is the day we go home :(. We have gifts for our sweet boy but, I have decided to just give him the gifts and not talk about his birthday (he doesn't know when it is... his birth mother didn't even know...we only know by birth certificate). I don't think us leaving on his birthday would be much of a present if we told him :( So, we will just celebrate late when we're all together. Happy Birthday sweet boy who so desperately wants what we take for granted...a family to call his.
To think all of us know and expect to be celebrated on our DAY...for 9 years...this boy has not even known the day nor has his family...and they have not had any means to celebrate...they've just focused on staying alive...it's all gonna' change...every child deserves a family and a celebration of their life.
I pray that many more would take a step towards rescuing the orphan...it's not easy...at some time you might feel so overwhelmed that you want to back out...it might feel akward and so unnatuaral...it might be hard to believe that God has called you to change your whole family for the sake of 1 or 2 children that were not from your womb...but, he has placed in your heart...and you love them like your own already.
The moment when you sat at a table with their birth mother...you looked in her eyes and saw no hope for their future in this present state...you heard her say that she didn't even know her own birthdate...you saw and knew not so good things of their past and of her past and thought...how can I? Why me? Can I make it better...do I have it in me...will smiling and hugging her give her any reassurance...this breaks me so much and overwhelmes me.
I know it seems like rambling...but, it's so hard to put all of my thoughts together today...As you stand in a crowded, smelly court room and see your and all of your friends kids relatives walk through a door to say, "Yes, I am giving them up"...then they walk out and look across the crowded room scanning and trying to figure out if you are the one who will take their child...and you've seen a video of her, you already know who she is...you think...why her? Why are we the blessed ones who are receiving these special gifts? Why is she loosing them?
When you scanned the room 1st thing and realized she was not there and panicked that she was not showing...then she was ushered in the room and your breath was completely taken away...you watched her every move and studied her and saw things in your soon to be son that she was doing...you stood within inches of her without her knowing it was you...your breath is taken away by sitting across from her for hours knowing who she is...you think...is this how it was EVER suppose to be...children in such desperate situations...family members signing them over in front of you in this little room...why? Why is it this way? Why me? Why them? Why her? It's just not right.
Then when you watch her go into the judge's chamber and you know "this is it"...she is giving up her most prized possessions...then you go in after her and you see her case worker lean and whisper to her and she looks at you and knows...she knows you are the one...you quickly look away then look and slightly smile then touch your daughters hair and give her a kiss hoping that she can see that you are loving and love children...you sit across from her with no one allowed to leave the room and you glance back and forth with what seems forever.
Then when you arrive back at the guest house and she is there sitting on the couch and you have your time with her...you hand her a photo book...she's never had photos of her children. You watch her smile at her boys/your boys. You have included photos of their new home, their bedrooms and she seems pleased with what they will have. Then you reach for her hand and ask some questions. After that you take a photo and smile with her... and you think why does she have to go through this? It makes you think of your own birth mom and the day she had to give you up...what was she feeling?
Then you head to see your boys and when she's not suppose to be there she's standing on the porch with your babies shoes in her hand. My baby/her baby...so strange, not a clue what to do...can I do this...should I just go home? But, you move forward. You go in and your baby smiles at you and is so excited to have you get him...your other child is off playing with his new brothers and sisters...and you walk out carrying your baby/ her baby and you want to do what's right...your heart feels for her (I've been adopted too you know...it's feelings from both sides)...and you hand your baby to his birth mother and he pushes her away...you work hard at him being happy with her for their last goodbyes...that was not to happen with me there...but, yet I'm it...no one else there to do a thing...I have to make this good for her...it's so in me for her to have good last memories. His uncle a handsome 20 some year old stands and gives kisses and hugs and you see his sadness...you say, "Kisses for mommy" and he doesn't want too and turns from her and again pushes her away. You know that he has already made the transition...but, you see in her that she has not...how can this be...how do you make it okay for her last time seeing her kids.
You walk down the stairs with your baby to your other son and you glance up and see her looking at us together...shouldn't they just be together having a birthday party together as a family...isn't that the norm for families...in a nice Chuck E Cheese...with tons of gifts...isn't that what we all take for granted, isn't it the norm...NO THIS IS THE NORM...this is how most of the world is...not what we do or see daily in our selfish pampered lives.
But, if it's God's plan for my life, for your life...it is SO WORTH IT....hard, easy, sweet, not so sweet...whatever...if God's in it then it's right! And you will be broken and forever changed.
Happy Birthday G...you deserve the best...and I know what you've had in the past is so far from that...but, we will not dwell on the past and I promise to give you a promising future. I will protect you, love you unconditionally, I will do my best to be the mom you need. As you stroked my arm the other day and touched my freckles and studied them...I felt what you needed, what you wanted...I felt it in your small fingers...then you looked up at me and I saw in your eyes that you just want love...love that in this selfish person does not always come natural...but, with God...I can do it...and so can others if we just let down the selfish walls and look how God adopted us and gave freely. Life is to short to let these little ones suffer.
Happy Birthday G! Next time back...I will not leave without you...sorry I'm leaving you on your Birthday.
The psychologist today helped us out with translating and letting G know that we were going home tonight. I was so scared of his reaction...since he's not did well every time we've left him. Actually it went so well. He was talking about when we come back and he flies to America. He actually seemed almost relieved that we were going and the next time he saw us would be for him to go home with us FOREVER. I think he was tired of the hard goodbyes daily as much as we were. He gave us lots of hugs and was off to play...I'm amazed by how much easier this was then I thought it would be. Praise God!!! I gave many more hugs to D and then took him back to his room...yes, he threw a fit when we gave him back. Oh, sweet baby...soon we will never have to give you back.
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