Thursday, April 21, 2011

The Blow to My Heart...

Today so far we have received no "maybe next week" email or no phone call.  But, as I was "waiting" messages came up on my phone from our Yahoo Group.  One of them was a story of a miracle.  You see normal court dates are now up to June with being given, (we were told that when we get ours it won't be that far out...just a week), so anyone in the waiting for a court date stage should plan on June for their date to travel over for court. Well, one family just found out that they got a surprise, miracle court date for April 28.  They will be leaving in the next day or so to travel over.  Everyone was responding to their news with, "what a miracle". I am happy for them, kinda' (it's so hard these days to be happy at all), it for sure is not their fault that we are were we are...and they should celebrate! 

You see...they had been praying to get their date before their child's 3rd birthday on April 29...but, they had ruled that out since dates were already at the end of May.  We prayed like this for our 1st court date that we could be their for G's birthday...we made it 2 weeks before.  So, they of course were so excited that God answered this prayer.

But, where the blow to my heart comes in.  I also have been praying for that date.  I was praying that on my Birthday and the day that we were accepted to adopt by AWAA last year, that we would have our "whatever #" court date. April 28 or before Lord please. And this would put us write at D's birthday, June 3 for Embassy...if no problems.  Please let it all happen so I can be there for his birthday Lord.  After all we were told that this would "be the week".  So, I guess God gave them the miracle and here we are?!?  We and a handful of friends sit idle and were hoping for next week court dates.  2 of us were told if our paperwork was there and the judge knew that she would immediately give us a date...she hasn't.  And 1 family also has been waiting since October for a court date.  Once her paperwork was cleared up the 1st of March she should have been receiving a date before this one given today and before a few others.  Yet, they "don't know" in her case.

The system is flawed, many of us wonder if anyone REALLY is advocating for us.  And if this is meant to be.  Maybe it's not?  Is there a problem and they are not telling us?  I know many will say, "Don't think that way."  You are not in my shoes!  As one friend sent a private message and said after a year from when they traveled for their 1st trip, with the Russia program a couple of years ago, they lost their child.  A fight for a year and lost them.  Then you have "Ms. I hate blacks" (see my fbook post from last Sunday)...who said, "Maybe this won't happen."  What if it doesn't?

I was asked last night to explain how this feels.  It was a nice conversation.  This friend was trying to feel with me.  I told her it's like a death every day.  It's like mourning for a child who I will never hold again.  It sucks!

I know many will say, "One day you won't even remember this pain."  This is not child birth! We already gave birth in October! And as I don't remember the pain from child birth...THIS will be a pain forever remembered.  It is a scar forever there. It has been the most unbelievably most horrible pain after day.  I have been adopted and lost my birth parents, I also lost both of my adoptive parents.  I had a psychotic abusive adoptive dad...he never told me he loved me, he never was there for me.  A total stranger. I had a mother who then chose another psychotic man over her daughter and grandchildren and walked out on all of us (she had also did this many times throughout my life...but, this was the last time I allowed it)...none of that feels anything like this.  I have healed and dealt with all of those things and knew through it all that I had the ULTIMATE Father...My Lord.  But, I can see that when He looses a child to the world, who never comes home to has got to just about break Him all over again. It's breaking me daily to not have my children home.

So, could we find out today that we have a court date?  I doubt it.  It is past the "normal" waiting time.  I have emailed and called twice.  She was on the phone the 1st time and now in a meeting.  Let's go to a meeting and not let us waiting know what's going on. Let's ruin each of our days as we sit and wait and are unable to do a darn thing because it consumes us!!!  Wouldn't it consume you?  It is so true what my adoptive friend said as she's waiting also, "I've learned that hope deferred really does make the heart sick, and I believe it makes God's heart sick too."  My heart aches and is consuming me...hope deferred tears your heart up so much that you can't function.

Yes, I'm giving this again to the Lord and praying for our Miracle. To think that 2 little boys that are so far away could come into your heart and cause this.  I love them and long for heart breaks for their hearts.

Now it's time again after almost 90 days of this to pull myself together, clean up the sobbing face, and put on a happy face and get some things accomplished.

***Just got the email..."not today"...hopefully next week.  Whatever...

Monday, April 18, 2011

What I'm thinking about today...

I am thinking about just how thankful I am for adoptive mommy friends.  I need the ones who are right there where I am.  I need their encouragement, their words, their cries and their frustrations.  I know sounds weird right?  Nope, it's not.  I need it because being all alone at this stage in our adoption would be absolutely impossible for me to imagine.

I am thinking about the words I heard today and how much I know that it is truth.  How I know that I am not absolutely crazy, or maybe I am and now have crazy friends.  I'm just glad that I know I'm not alone in my thoughts.

What I heard today and what I've thought in my heart for quite some time:

  •   I've learned that hope deferred really does make the heart sick, and I believe it makes God's heart sick too.
  • I also have some thoughts about "God's timing" in adoption that certainly wouldn't be that popular, but does it occur to no one else that human error plays a role in adoption just as surely as it plays a role in all sorts of injustices? Do we look at a child stuck in an abusive home, locked in by a corrupt or inefficient system and call that "God's timing"?
  • God wants orphans to have families.
  • I don't think we have to check our brains at the door and sweep every delay under the "God's timing" rug and put on our happy faith faces. I think Jesus would be fighting and grieving and working relentlessly to free these kids from the bondage of being an orphan if he was on earth today. Not being a passive advocate who pretends to be happy about children stuck in an institution.
Thank You friend who spoke the words that have been on my heart.

I am thinking that I'm tired of hearing it's "God's timing".  It is just an easy thing to say while patting someone on the back. But, I can tell you that if a friend's child died today...I wouldn't say that.  If someone had cancer all of a sudden...I wouldn't say that.  If a child was molested right now and we found out, would we say, "It's God's timing?"  So, my children who were dropped off at an orphanage and left, who are living without parents, and the wait continues on and on...I don't believe for one moment it's God's timing, God's plan.  He wants orphans in families.  He wants to place the lonely in families!

I am thinking that my heart is getting sicker by the moment...hope deferred is a sick thing for sure. This is a hard road and getting harder every minute. I want some type of normal.  I scream for it.  Normal would be nice. These roller coaster emotions are driving me insane.  I hate roller coasters!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

I am thinking that normal is not what Jesus ever lived on this earth...normal is not what God asked us to live either.  I am thinking that this week as our Lord was giving it up for ME, for YOU that He went through horrific suffering for our sins...I can suffer through this for His children, for His will.  I am thinking however that I don't like it, I wish it wasn't this hard. I wish human mistakes didn't drag out our homecoming with our kids.

I am thinking that skyping with my boys yesterday was incredible.  It helped me realize that they were "real".  That this wasn't just some boys that I met at an orphanage and loved on and went home.  They are ours.  They are my boys.  I needed it so much!

I am thinking the most precious thing I heard from G is, "Where's Daddy?" (I will admit that I wish he would have said, "Hi, mom 1st."  Guess we know who's the!)  And then he said, "I love him."  G loves his daddy...has from minute one! He lost control when his daddy was leaving for the last time and that's who he wants to know about 1st thing now.  You know, He's never had a daddy.  I think he longs for that and is so excited that he has one, but, is probably wondering if it's really ever going to be permanent.  I'm glad he now has a daddy!

I am thinking that that is how it is when we get saved!  We long for someone we've never had before.  Someone to fill that gap in our heart.  Our Daddy.  When we finally meet him and make Him ours.  We ask, "Where is He?"  We want to make sure He's there, that He's gonna' hear us and answer us and hug us tight.  The reassurance that comes with that is amazing!  I can't wait for G to have a daily dose of knowing in his heart for sure that He has a forever on this earth daddy and a forever forever Father! 

I am thinking how cool it is that adoption is the example of our adoption by our Lord.  If you could see these orphaned kids faces when they meet their parents for the 1st get a glimpse of heaven.  When you see the parents standing on a porch and waiting for the door to open and for their child to either run or be brought into their is such a reflection.  Oh, how our Lord stands at many a hearts door and waits for it to open and His child to come into His arms forever.  And when it happens it's really something hard to explain...just how wonderful it is.  It takes your breath.

I am thinking that those moments of each our friends meeting their children, will never be able to be erased from my mind.  Beautiful moments!!!

I am thinking that so many will miss out on such a reflection of our salvation our rescuing by not stepping out of "their life" and adopting.  It might be uncomfortable...but, it will change your heart forever.  Just like many will miss out on a forever Father if they are not given a chance, if someone doesn't reach them and show them a forever home.  Living a life of such a horrible thought.  But, when Christ followers refuse to adopt God's orphaned children...their every day life will be a living hell...and more than likely their forever will be as well.  Also, if we don't reach out and witness...many will be orphaned and separated from their Father forever.  Both, are tragic and heartbreaking...and fixable...if we will just step outside of "our selves".

I am thinking that so many Christ followers think we are on this earth for SELF.  For our pleasure.  Check... ticket to heaven bought and paid for.  Now time to party it up.  That's not what God asked.  He asked for us to do works once we are saved.  He asked us to suffer as He did.  What have you did lately that's hard?  Let's all make a difference.  I know I don't want to be in heaven on "little mansion, little crown" row and everyone know that I did not do a thing for my Lord and that's why I live in the slums of heaven...because I didn't really care about Him.  Yikes.  That is a long forever to live like that!!!!  My riches will come in heaven if I let them all go here on earth! 

So, yes...I have a lot of thinking going on.  I have a lot on my heart.  If you can even find it.  I feel like it's crumbled up and spread thin right now.  My heart is in more than one place...and anytime you are ripping something and stretching it that hurts. It hurts bad.

I pray my boys will be home soon. I pray my adoptive sisters kids will be home soon.  I know how they feel.  I feel their pain and it's huge! I want our kids in my arms.  They are precious, they are adorable.  They need their family.

Yep, That's what I'm thinking today!