I am thinking about just how thankful I am for adoptive mommy friends. I need the ones who are right there where I am. I need their encouragement, their words, their cries and their frustrations. I know sounds weird right? Nope, it's not. I need it because being all alone at this stage in our adoption would be absolutely impossible for me to imagine.
I am thinking about the words I heard today and how much I know that it is truth. How I know that I am not absolutely crazy, or maybe I am and now have crazy friends. I'm just glad that I know I'm not alone in my thoughts.
What I heard today and what I've thought in my heart for quite some time:
- I've learned that hope deferred really does make the heart sick, and I believe it makes God's heart sick too.
- I also have some thoughts about "God's timing" in adoption that certainly wouldn't be that popular, but does it occur to no one else that human error plays a role in adoption just as surely as it plays a role in all sorts of injustices? Do we look at a child stuck in an abusive home, locked in by a corrupt or inefficient system and call that "God's timing"?
- God wants orphans to have families.
- I don't think we have to check our brains at the door and sweep every delay under the "God's timing" rug and put on our happy faith faces. I think Jesus would be fighting and grieving and working relentlessly to free these kids from the bondage of being an orphan if he was on earth today. Not being a passive advocate who pretends to be happy about children stuck in an institution.
I am thinking that I'm tired of hearing it's "God's timing". It is just an easy thing to say while patting someone on the back. But, I can tell you that if a friend's child died today...I wouldn't say that. If someone had cancer all of a sudden...I wouldn't say that. If a child was molested right now and we found out, would we say, "It's God's timing?" So, my children who were dropped off at an orphanage and left, who are living without parents, and the wait continues on and on...I don't believe for one moment it's God's timing, God's plan. He wants orphans in families. He wants to place the lonely in families!
I am thinking that my heart is getting sicker by the moment...hope deferred is a sick thing for sure. This is a hard road and getting harder every minute. I want some type of normal. I scream for it. Normal would be nice. These roller coaster emotions are driving me insane. I hate roller coasters!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am thinking that normal is not what Jesus ever lived on this earth...normal is not what God asked us to live either. I am thinking that this week as our Lord was giving it up for ME, for YOU that He went through horrific suffering for our sins...I can suffer through this for His children, for His will. I am thinking however that I don't like it, I wish it wasn't this hard. I wish human mistakes didn't drag out our homecoming with our kids.
I am thinking that skyping with my boys yesterday was incredible. It helped me realize that they were "real". That this wasn't just some boys that I met at an orphanage and loved on and went home. They are ours. They are my boys. I needed it so much!
I am thinking the most precious thing I heard from G is, "Where's Daddy?" (I will admit that I wish he would have said, "Hi, mom 1st." Guess we know who's the favorite...lol!) And then he said, "I love him." G loves his daddy...has from minute one! He lost control when his daddy was leaving for the last time and that's who he wants to know about 1st thing now. You know, He's never had a daddy. I think he longs for that and is so excited that he has one, but, is probably wondering if it's really ever going to be permanent. I'm glad he now has a daddy!
I am thinking that that is how it is when we get saved! We long for someone we've never had before. Someone to fill that gap in our heart. Our Daddy. When we finally meet him and make Him ours. We ask, "Where is He?" We want to make sure He's there, that He's gonna' hear us and answer us and hug us tight. The reassurance that comes with that is amazing! I can't wait for G to have a daily dose of knowing in his heart for sure that He has a forever on this earth daddy and a forever forever Father!
I am thinking how cool it is that adoption is the example of our adoption by our Lord. If you could see these orphaned kids faces when they meet their parents for the 1st time...you get a glimpse of heaven. When you see the parents standing on a porch and waiting for the door to open and for their child to either run or be brought into their arms...it is such a reflection. Oh, how our Lord stands at many a hearts door and waits for it to open and His child to come into His arms forever. And when it happens it's really something hard to explain...just how wonderful it is. It takes your breath.
I am thinking that those moments of each our friends meeting their children, will never be able to be erased from my mind. Beautiful moments!!!
I am thinking that so many will miss out on such a reflection of our salvation our rescuing by not stepping out of "their life" and adopting. It might be uncomfortable...but, it will change your heart forever. Just like many will miss out on a forever Father if they are not given a chance, if someone doesn't reach them and show them a forever home. Living a life of hell...is such a horrible thought. But, when Christ followers refuse to adopt God's orphaned children...their every day life will be a living hell...and more than likely their forever will be as well. Also, if we don't reach out and witness...many will be orphaned and separated from their Father forever. Both, are tragic and heartbreaking...and fixable...if we will just step outside of "our selves".
I am thinking that so many Christ followers think we are on this earth for SELF. For our pleasure. Check... ticket to heaven bought and paid for. Now time to party it up. That's not what God asked. He asked for us to do works once we are saved. He asked us to suffer as He did. What have you did lately that's hard? Let's all make a difference. I know I don't want to be in heaven on "little mansion, little crown" row and everyone know that I did not do a thing for my Lord and that's why I live in the slums of heaven...because I didn't really care about Him. Yikes. That is a long forever to live like that!!!! My riches will come in heaven if I let them all go here on earth!
So, yes...I have a lot of thinking going on. I have a lot on my heart. If you can even find it. I feel like it's crumbled up and spread thin right now. My heart is in more than one place...and anytime you are ripping something and stretching it that far...it hurts. It hurts bad.
I pray my boys will be home soon. I pray my adoptive sisters kids will be home soon. I know how they feel. I feel their pain and it's huge! I want our kids in my arms. They are precious, they are adorable. They need their family.
Yep, That's what I'm thinking today!