Thursday, April 21, 2011

The Blow to My Heart...

Today so far we have received no "maybe next week" email or no phone call.  But, as I was "waiting" messages came up on my phone from our Yahoo Group.  One of them was a story of a miracle.  You see normal court dates are now up to June with being given, (we were told that when we get ours it won't be that far out...just a week), so anyone in the waiting for a court date stage should plan on June for their date to travel over for court. Well, one family just found out that they got a surprise, miracle court date for April 28.  They will be leaving in the next day or so to travel over.  Everyone was responding to their news with, "what a miracle". I am happy for them, kinda' (it's so hard these days to be happy at all), it for sure is not their fault that we are were we are...and they should celebrate! 

You see...they had been praying to get their date before their child's 3rd birthday on April 29...but, they had ruled that out since dates were already at the end of May.  We prayed like this for our 1st court date that we could be their for G's birthday...we made it 2 weeks before.  So, they of course were so excited that God answered this prayer.

But, where the blow to my heart comes in.  I also have been praying for that date.  I was praying that on my Birthday and the day that we were accepted to adopt by AWAA last year, that we would have our "whatever #" court date. April 28 or before Lord please. And this would put us write at D's birthday, June 3 for Embassy...if no problems.  Please let it all happen so I can be there for his birthday Lord.  After all we were told that this would "be the week".  So, I guess God gave them the miracle and here we are?!?  We and a handful of friends sit idle and were hoping for next week court dates.  2 of us were told if our paperwork was there and the judge knew that she would immediately give us a date...she hasn't.  And 1 family also has been waiting since October for a court date.  Once her paperwork was cleared up the 1st of March she should have been receiving a date before this one given today and before a few others.  Yet, they "don't know" in her case.

The system is flawed, many of us wonder if anyone REALLY is advocating for us.  And if this is meant to be.  Maybe it's not?  Is there a problem and they are not telling us?  I know many will say, "Don't think that way."  You are not in my shoes!  As one friend sent a private message and said after a year from when they traveled for their 1st trip, with the Russia program a couple of years ago, they lost their child.  A fight for a year and lost them.  Then you have "Ms. I hate blacks" (see my fbook post from last Sunday)...who said, "Maybe this won't happen."  What if it doesn't?

I was asked last night to explain how this feels.  It was a nice conversation.  This friend was trying to feel with me.  I told her it's like a death every day.  It's like mourning for a child who I will never hold again.  It sucks!

I know many will say, "One day you won't even remember this pain."  This is not child birth! We already gave birth in October! And as I don't remember the pain from child birth...THIS will be a pain forever remembered.  It is a scar forever there. It has been the most unbelievably most horrible pain after day.  I have been adopted and lost my birth parents, I also lost both of my adoptive parents.  I had a psychotic abusive adoptive dad...he never told me he loved me, he never was there for me.  A total stranger. I had a mother who then chose another psychotic man over her daughter and grandchildren and walked out on all of us (she had also did this many times throughout my life...but, this was the last time I allowed it)...none of that feels anything like this.  I have healed and dealt with all of those things and knew through it all that I had the ULTIMATE Father...My Lord.  But, I can see that when He looses a child to the world, who never comes home to has got to just about break Him all over again. It's breaking me daily to not have my children home.

So, could we find out today that we have a court date?  I doubt it.  It is past the "normal" waiting time.  I have emailed and called twice.  She was on the phone the 1st time and now in a meeting.  Let's go to a meeting and not let us waiting know what's going on. Let's ruin each of our days as we sit and wait and are unable to do a darn thing because it consumes us!!!  Wouldn't it consume you?  It is so true what my adoptive friend said as she's waiting also, "I've learned that hope deferred really does make the heart sick, and I believe it makes God's heart sick too."  My heart aches and is consuming me...hope deferred tears your heart up so much that you can't function.

Yes, I'm giving this again to the Lord and praying for our Miracle. To think that 2 little boys that are so far away could come into your heart and cause this.  I love them and long for heart breaks for their hearts.

Now it's time again after almost 90 days of this to pull myself together, clean up the sobbing face, and put on a happy face and get some things accomplished.

***Just got the email..."not today"...hopefully next week.  Whatever...

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