I'm spent...

Yesterday we received an update on the infamous "MOWA letter" writing.  I was so hopeful, yet tried to remain calm and in check.  Here is the update we received:  "We have heard positive reports today regarding MOWA processing the backlog and are hopeful to have good news for you tomorrow. I will be in touch with you first thing tomorrow with an update."

I'm telling you...that is what we had been waiting to hear.  So, as I got up this morning I had such an upset stomach from the anticipation, friends it was like Christmas Morning as a child...I had to keep busy so, I found myself barking out orders and cleaning my house. You know I have found myself lately mad, upset, depressed, hopeful, down, up and oh, so very testy.  Yep, it's not all that glamorous these days. The kids have learned that my moods have nothing to do with them and they are trying to support me as well as they can. And I am trying to find activities that are positive and all consuming...like hiking, movies, cleaning, chocolate...yep, trying to not let my mood ruin a day.  Believe it or not, I have also learned to pray, pray and pray some more, (on my face, through the night, in tears, while fasting), and just remain silent if I have nothing good to say. Yes, I have learned to be silent, except to the Lord. I have found myself at His feet more than ever.  I have found that He really is the most important. Not because I am wanting something...no, I have found out that He is God Almighty and that I want to serve Him with blood, sweat and tears.  It's worth it friends.

All right back to my morning: By about 9:45 my stomach was hurting from knowing in my gut that we were not going to get a positive phone call.  At 10:00 am I sent an email to our agency and got the reply I dreaded.  Nope, we did not pass court yet again.  No good news as they had hoped.

Can I say that I am spent.  I am so weary.  I know God is doing something huge in our lives, he has formed me into someone I never thought I would become.  He has did and is still doing an incredible work in me and my family.  But, can I say...I'm spent.  I'm over it!  Yes, I know that God has this and has a plan.  I can say that I don't need or want to hear that from anyone right now.  I KNOW...but, I don't need it preached to me.  I am so, excited for our travel friends and those who have traveled after us who have either already went and got their kids, or have passed court after us, or has received great news about Embassy.  I am excited truly.  But, I am also partly sick of hearing it.  I know...that sounds so, so mean.  But, it's true.  I can't clearly or will I EVER understand why it was us who had to wait!  Friends are coming home and we still have not passed court!  Really?  REALLY?  It's so hard to comprehend.  But, I will continue to keep giving it ALL back to God.  I have nothing else to give myself...so, I have let Him have it.  

I just with that at this point I am wanting to put my boys photos away...it is so painful to look at them.  I am answering the question of, "Do you want us to take photos of your boys?", with, "No, not really."  Who does that???  That's the bad mom of the year award.  But, it literally hurts so, so bad.  It hurts to know someone else is hugging them, that they are having to be lined up again for yet another photo and our 9 year old knows that means no coming home.  I weep when I receive photos of them...it makes me sad not happy.  I know, I'm crazy!  I am so grateful for those loving my boys and taking photos...I love the updates but, also hate them.  I never knew this could be so, so hard.  Ugghhh.

Adoption is not easy.  Would I change it all and not do it?  Nope.  I would go through this again and again.  I know without a doubt that God wants and desires to set the lonely in families.  We had to step up...so, many are not!  There are so many Christians, (I hate to even use that term...I've been there...claiming to be a Christ Follower...but, when I'm sitting how can I follow), who are so into self they can't see the cross and what God is pleading for them to do.  I have looked in the eyes of many, many orphans and even the faces of the parents having, HAVING, to give them up...and know without a doubt that I would and probably we will go down this path again!  These kids are a GIFT to us!  It's not the other way around...they are rescuing us from SELF...we're not rescuing and saving them...they are saving us from a worldly self filled life.  They are fulfilling us in an AMAZING way!!!

For now though...this has been the most taxing, exhausting process of my life.  It has torn and ripped and pulled out places in my deepest self that I did not know existed.  Some I'm glad that I can now see and work on. I will NEVER be the same.  In other ways I wish it wasn't such a crushing experience. Friends it hurts. Maybe many don't understand...I've actually noticed many that don't.  You know...I don't expect to be babied or pampered during this time...but, I've realized that many "friends" that I thought were rock solid... really aren't.  Some life long friends have not even asked how our trip was, as of yet.  It's only been 6 + weeks.  They have not asked to see photos of our boys or even asked how it was meeting them for the 1st time.  Should I expect that?  Yes.  The ones that we have been there for each others births, sicknesses, and those that are in leadership positions...I think it's not really "expecting"...I think it's more of it should be natural and the norm.  Maybe I counted those friendships as much more than what they really are.  I don't know. And I'm sad that I thought many were much more.  I think a lot is the result of self over others...to much going on in their own lives to focus on anything else.  I've learned how important supporting others is. I want to be their for others.  It's what we should be doing.  You know in many ways I would have found myself so lonely during this time of our lives because of those I always considered rock solid...but, amazingly...God has placed new people in our lives who truly care and ask and are there.  And yes, there are still some solid life long friends who have been there.  It's just all been a bit surprising.  I won't stop loving those who have not been there...but, life has forever changed in those relationships, or lack of.  It's interesting to say the least.  And I've learned that many will disappoint...but, I know that I'm no different to my Lord and how I have and will disappoint Him and I know I will fail others as well...but, I'm working at not letting that happen...I know how important it is.

I have explained what is going on as giving birth to your child and spending a few weeks with this precious child and then having to leave them in a foreign country and waiting for someone to tell you that you can be with them again.  As one friend said, "No one in their right mind leaves their child for 50 + days all alone in a foreign country, no one."  It's so true.  If God has placed them in your family and hearts...they are YOURS.  And it hurts more than one can explain.

God has this, He is working some mighty things out right now.  I want to let you know that God is amazing!  I love Him so, so much!!!  And I would die for Him.  I right now will suffer, hurt and wait for Him!  It's worth it friends.  No one said that following Him would look glamorous.  I am being molded as I am His clay and He is my potter.  I am being refined in the fire.  But, that's okay!  I might be in therapy before it's all over...but, I would not change my mind about adopting.  We've actually talked about..."When we do it again."  Who says that when they are going through the fire?  Those that know how just important, incredible, and wonderful it is.  I long for my boys...I am heart broken today...yet again.  How many times can one's heart break???  I'm not for sure...but, it has been a countless # of times here lately.

All for my boys our family...I will persevere and move forward.

Right as I hit the period...this is the song that came on the radio: